who do men say i am?

weak, strong, smart, dumb, quick, slow, fat, skinny, slut, prude, beautiful, fugly...

all these are adjectives that men use to describe women they come across. contemplating on that never-exhausted list i begin to wonder what they say about me. i admit sometimes i do not act worthy enough to be deemed as perfect but neither do i do enough things to be deemed as a total bust. i try to maintain wholesome morals, with a few slip ups here and there, i stay put together, i dont demean men and i do not keep horrid company. so i ask..

who do men say i am?

if i were a man id say i was a woman who has her head on straight. id say i was a woman who knew what she wanted and only accepted the first fruits of anyones labor. id say i was sharp tongued but knew how to use it. id say i was jovial and maybe even funny. id say i was the shyt.

so again i ask...

who do men say i am?

.....anyone???

no takers???

ok ill just keep going...

i am that woman that walks into a room and sends it spinning

im that woman who can knock a man out with just one look

im that woman who not only has brains for academia but also has the necessary commonsense to navigate thru life efficiently

i am that woman who will leave u asking for more

i am that woman EVERY man is lookin for

well shoot, i guess i answered my own question... let me go somewhere and deflate my head...

as always i shall remain,

Outspoken

The truth about the heart

Ive returned from my school imposed hiatus.

I have been through the fire these past couple of months and i can't say that i havent been burned.. charred is more like it. From the egregious school work load to the riff-raff we call men, i have been through it all. Right now, i want to discuss the most pertinent subject on my mind: the heart. The heart is a very splendid thing- it beats, hurts, swells with pride, and automatically shuts down without any warning. Over the past months my heart has experienced it all- ok maybe it hasnt stopped on its own (but i cant say that i havent wished it would). Everyday, my heart does something new that amazes me- it flutters when someone walks in the room, it beats erratically when i get angry, when i do things that make me feel great it sends a calm wave through my body that relaxes me. The heart is a very splendid thing- until it gets in the way of your conscience. You know the old adage " think with your head, not with your heart" or even this one " follow your heart".. well i can honestly say both of those have been my mantras for the past month and i cant say its been a wise decision. ive been doing and saying exactly what my heart dictates. I have been suppressing my conscience so much so that ive debilitated it permanently ( so i think). I've been following the promptings of my carnal heart and, honestly, ive reaped/ will reap what i've sown. Because of my foolish ways i have fallen for the most complicated, clandestine, coon ive encountered in my lifetime- and whats worse is that i actually LIKE him.. im drawn to him... like a moth to a flame, a swatter to a fly, poohbear to honey, etc.. its so bad that i almost dont care if i get hurt, so long as i have the opportunity to be in his presence( even though im no where close to being the only woman that gets that honor). Have i lost my mind? is my heart that corrupt that i would risk messing myself up emotionally for some man? i think it is and i think i have lost touch. I dont know when ill check back in with my brain but for now the heart reigns as ruler of all that is Alyssa.

Pray for me- this is gonna end in heartbreak....

(Im)Patience, Little Sister

I am not patient. I never have been patient. If something i do does not provide instant gratification i get very angry. I dont know why either. My patience remains paper thin and being in school does not help. it never fails that everyday i run into a situation or person that just gets my craw. i have no desire to try to be patient because all of my efforts at attempting to be patient result in me exploding on the person that i am trying to be patient with.

Funny story:

I was in a study group the other day and a classmates child was coming in and out of our room with his foolishness and interrupting us. I was at the end of my rope! he decided to leave the room but unbeknownst to me he was only hiding behind the door. I got up to leave the room and when i opened the door that little crapbag popped out at me! in my "terror" i grabbed him by the arm and, in a relatively calm voice, told him to go sit down and stay seated because he almost got knocked out because i didnt know who or what it was that popped out at me.

Now... that situation only helped me recognize that #1 i hate kids hahah and #2 im severely impatient because that situation shouldnt have caused me to react in such a way.

There really is no point to this blog except for me to publicly recognize i am not patient and that i need therapy hahha.

Good day

Friends: How many of us have them?

I have a bunch of 'friends'. Short ones, tall ones, skinny ones, fat ones, you name it. I can go any place in the South, East, West, and North and have a contact that loves and cares for me.

I love them all- but today I want to talk about my FRIENDS.

I am the emotional one out of the bunch. I am always saying to them how much i love them- so much so that, to me, its lost its luster.

But today i want them to know just how much I LOVE THEM.

To ( IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER) Melissa, Alyssa, Juanita, Theresa, Alexis, Lauren, Brittani, Mimi, and Jenny:

I love you girls.

I love you so much that i would give each of you a piece of my literal heart if I could.

I know we have had ups and downs- times when we didn't speak or were mad at each other and didnt let the other one know.

I know we dont talk that much

I know that i have gotten under your skin, as y'all have gotten under mine ;), so much so that you probably wanted to kill me

i know we've said hurtful things about each other to the other friends

But at the end of the day

I know i have 8 people in the world that no matter what has happened the day before i can come to you all and tell you my feelings

i can come to you all if i needed a kidney ( right?!)

i know i can rely on you to back me up against those who mean nothing but bad for me

i know i have a home across the sea, or in the racist desert, or in the jungles, or in suburbia if i ever needed a place to lay my head

i know i have 8 women who love me for me- flaws and all

SO Question:

Friends. How many of us have them?

Answer:

I do! Actually.. i have 8 :)

I Love You!

Lessons of Life

God knows just what to do to show you how to respond and prepare you for your future.

As you know, i am in no way confrontational. In fact, i usually dont even stand up for myself. I am a firm believer in acquiescence. So today i was confronted with a hater. not a hater on my looks or mundane crap like that- a hater on my thoughts. After she said her piece i realized i had two options :1. reply with how i felt or 2. concede and allow her to slam me and my thoughts on the internet for all to see . I chose #1 for the first time in my life ( well at least to my recollection lol)

I let her know in so many words that her suggestion was not needed and that im not pleased. her reply was not really the one i wanted but what can u expect from a fool. YES shes a fool..

I believe God was opening up an avenue for me to practice defending myself without going off and crying somewhere. I am going to be an attorney and defense and people disagreeing with you are going to be a major part of my daily life. God was just showing me that i need to put emotion aside and defend myself and leave it there.

I thank God for the opportunity and hope to one day be able to stand up for myself even better without the fear of losing a friend - for if they were really my friend they would be so proud of me defending myself.

Ode to Black Women

Disclaimer: i am talkin only to the sistas today. If you arent one your invited to read. I am also referencing no one in praticular but if you find yourself exemplified in all or some of this blog it maybe God telling you to get it together.. i know he told me that while i was writing this...

My Sistas my sistas...

I was sitting around today talking to myself about how much black women do not know how to act when it comes to certain things- especially the manner in which we treat each other. It is abhorrent to me at how many black women completely disregard and disrespect each other and themselves.

In my mind, I compiled a list of the things we struggle with and , at the end, have provided some remedies on how to end the struggle.

Although this list will never be exhausted, I am choosing to write about the ones that are the most pertinent.

1. Black Women struggle with the way we treat other black women

On a daily basis. I hear black women talk about each other. For example when I was at Oakwood I would here ( and yes even say) " o look at her wearing heels to school- she think shes sooo cute! I Hope that heffa trips in the cafe" or " that weave look likes trash" blah blah blah

Even here at my new school, I wore low boots to the cafe and this girl just starts rippin on me while im 3 feet away from her! REALLY? was that necessary? AND just today i was walking out of a door and a sister was walking in the door and she let it close on me.. now... that was straight coonery if i ever saw it..

but i digress

We talk about each other to doggone much. real talk.

2. Black Women struggle with the way we respond to 'man situations'.

Sisters.. gettin loud on a man is NOT a way to keep him.. making him talk to you on the phone or take you out when the game is on is not a thing to do... telling your friends to stop talking to your ex and bad mouth him is not a way to solve your issues... telling everyone who'd listen that your man cheated on you and now you have trust issues is NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE THINGS. Carrying baggage from relationship to relationship is not the business either...

Elevating your 'boyfriend' to 'husband' status only creates trouble...

Allowing your man to say anything he wants to you for fear of losing him and being single is also not the thing to do!

Having a man to flaunt at this basketball game or taunt your single friends with is not a reason to have a relationship, because when the new is through so it will be with the relationship

Putting your man in the place of THE MAN is a sin.. and we ALL have done that

Men and having a relationship is not the point of life

Sometimes being alone is the best way to figure out yourself, your spirituality, and your future.

3. Black Women struggle with their self-esteem

Yea.. you may be sitting there saying " no i dont i know im cute" but STFU.. u a lie.. if we didnt have self esteem issues we would not be 3 hrs late to church because we could not figure out what to wear... if we did not have self esteem issues we would NOT be lettin dudes, multiple mind you, hit that just because he called us beautiful one time.. if we did not have self esteem issues we would sit our tails down instead of walkin the catwalk 10-20 times during church at Madison Mission...

If we didn't have self esteem issues other sista's and their situations would find no place in our mouths becuase our minds would only be focused on ourselves

Now I know it may not be our fault that we have self-esteem issues..maybe we never had a dad to tell us we're beautiful ...maybe you were molested.. idk.. but nevertheless low self-esteem is a major issue among us and, truthfully, its a major root of our problems...

4. Black Women forget just how much power we have

We as black women hold the key. We hold to key to love, success, togetherness, spirituality, leadership, and much, much more and we are constantly forgetting that!

Look at our track record... Sonya Carson singularly raised 2 boys and one of those boys became one of the most famous male Doctors in America... Michelle Obama is balancing motherhood and being the presidents wife everyday all while wearing 3 inch heels.. and we all know Barack did not get the where he is now without the prodding and encouragement of that narc of a wife he has!

Look at your mothers.. if i took a poll of just how many of us black women were raised by single mothers the stats would be overwhelming! I do not have any unsuccessful black female friends so you can assume that your mother raised you to be the strong black woman that you are!

The only remedy i have for these "diseases" are to put aside the hatred, emotional problems, and self doubt and remember who we are and just how much power we have over situations.

Do not give society the satisfaction by keeping us pidgeon-holed in the status they have set for us.

I admonish us all to come together- for when we do that we become that unstoppable force we were meant to be.

Ninja Turtle Strikes again

Good Morning,

I've had my first class of the truncated week and am now sitting in the library attempting to study. Now, as most of you know, I attend an HBCU- therefore you can already assume that the library is not only a place for studying, but it is also a place to : 1. talk loudly about how drunk you were on Friday night 2. walk around so EVERYONE can see you new outfit 3. catch up on some z's or , my favorite, 4. check facebook.

You may now be wondering , "ok Alyssa WTF are u getting at?" well heres the skinny: I got into the library at approx 10:00 am, got my books laid out, and commenced to studying. There was NOOOOO body up here but my tutor and some random so i thought i was set. Not 10 minutes later, I hear laughing and pontification coming up the stairs and i knew it was him- the ninja turtle.

Now, i call him ninja turtle becuase he looks like one. Point blank.

Ninja, as he will be referred to for the rest of this blog, is the most annyoing thing i have ever met or even encountered in my life! He alllwayyysss has something to say, is usually wrong, and on top of that he's ugly<- that should be enough right THERE! Annnyywhoo, Ninja came up stairs huffin, puffin, and pontificating. He saw a friend, who was by me, and came over to speak to him. He was talking loud, spitting, and just being downright gross. For those of you who know me, you know that I make faces at ugly ppl who get on my nerves- i may not say anything but you will get a face. I commenced the ninja staredown in hopes that his cockeye would catch a glimpse of my angry face. He did not, so I commenced my 2nd attempt shutting him up and sitting him down, I growled at him- im jk- i politely asked him to STFU im trying to read. He ever so smartly acquiesced to my command and sat his fat behind down.

The moral of this story is: if someone is being loud in the library just tell them to STFU- it works faster than being nice.